I feel broken.... -

this blog is mainly just for me venting all the shit ive been thinking about lately.
by the way this is extremely unorganized and is jumbled, i may edit it later, im not sure.

It feels like the past year has been a waste of time, bridges that i thought were being built were illusions(any social relationship i've been in...), people who i thought were my friends were revealed to be the detestable people they are, and it feels like i've made no self growth in the past year. 2 years ago i started playing maple story, in the first year i met most of you, and made close friends, however about a year ago it feels like even those relationships started to die. It feels like i've grown distant from the people i enjoy the most, it feels like i'm trying to emotionally butt fuck myself, i can't seem to make a positive impact on anyone lately....few people actually seem to understand me, and almost everyone else doesn't care to. overall right now, i just have a lost feeling, absence of any positive emotions. In the past year i've learned alot about the people i use to feel safe with, now most of them frieghten me with their oppinions of me, i seem to make the impact on people that im a person broken beyond repair. I'm not even sure if thats untrue now, lately i've had increasingly strong impulses to end my existence, to perhaps make my so called friends lives brighter with the death of a pessimist. People seem to just be lying to me about everything, i'm excluded constantly, because im "depressing" none of them seem to understand why i'm so broken though, they don't stop to think about it, and how they could possibly be the cause of it, or even help me out of it. The knowledge of peoples true selves has not helped in my misery, even the cheeriest people i knew, turn out to wear their smiles like masks, hideing the tears behind them. Is anyone content with life? Or is everyone perhaps in the same state i am, and just hide it from each other. Optimists continue to badger me to be happier, but still bitch about their problems to me and add to the burden. I suppose im sort of a depression sponge to people around me, soaking up their problems adding them to mine, and bursting once i can take no more. I lash out at people alot....and it only continues to lower peoples oppinions of me...i wonder if anyone actually loves me (as a friend of course, though feelings beyond that are yearned by me all the time...) i find it hard to believe that anyone does, i feel like everything in the past year has been a lie, and although the physical aspects of it feel fake to me, the emotional baggage i have gathered is real.

wow i got off track alot.....well this was just spewage....i feel slightly better right now i guess....