On depression. -

This is a personal and often embarassing thing to talk about... But my goal is to try and shed some light on a topic that is often misunderstood.

I have clinical depression, and it went undiagnosed for decades. It contributed to crumbling friendships, job performance, and most devastatingly my marriage to someone whom I love very much. But although everyone knows what "being depressed" is like, as we all go through it at times, clinical depression is a whole other animal. This is not about "being emo" either, a term that has become alarmingly overused, and I feel trivializes real depression.

First let me start by saying that no one... let me repeat... no one should self-diagnose themselves with any medical condition, be it physical or mental. If you are having problems, go see your doctor and stick to the facts. Let them make your diagnosis, if there is one even to be made. Do not do your own research online to make final determinations of any issues that you may have! That is foolhardy and sometimes dangerous.

With that being said, there are different types of clinical depression. It is a disease that affects the chemical balance in the brain. What causes it is unknown, and treatments still have to be suited to the patient, because everybody reacts differently to the various medications that are out there. I am not bipolar, but many people hear of the term so I will expain that. People who are bipolar experience dramatic highs and lows in mood without any trigger being needed, and often can suddenly swing from one mood to the other.

I am unipolar, although that term is not commonly used. That's just your garden variety major depression, although to be frank it sucks just the same. It's really hard to truly describe what it's like, especially when I've felt this way for so long. You just feel bad, you feel down all the time, but that doesn't fully describe it either. Its hard to get enjoyment out of things, you often become moody and irritable, and a lot of it stems out of frustration. Hopelessness, crying spells for no reason, not caring about imprtant things in your life, shutting yourself away from family and friends, there's a thousand different ways depression manifests itself but none of them are any fun.

First common misperception: That people with clinical depression can just tell themselves that enough is enough and "get over it". Well, if a healthy person is just moping for a silly reason, then that approach works. But I can't get over it any more than someone with diabetes, or muscular dystrophy, or alzheimer's disease can get over it. Take medications and go through rehabilitation to try to lessen the effects and deal with it better, sure. But this is a physical condition that messes with your head... it's like a bad friend that's always following you around. Theres no running from it, hiding from it, or pretending that it's not there. It took me years of therapy to convince myself that the way I feel and the disasterous effects it's had on my life are not my fault.

Mentally, I used to beat myself up all the time. Depression can be absolutely debilitating and paralyzing. Let me give a real-life example: I would lie in bed at night, agonizing over something. What it was doesn't matter. I would lie awake hating myself, wondering what was wrong with me, scolding myself and even thinking of ways to kill myself. Naturally, this does not let you relax peacefully, and next thing I knew the sun would be rising and I'd gotten no sleep. The lack of sleep would adversely affect everything that day, my work, my relationships, everything. Then I'd get so tired I'd have to crash during the daytime. Then I'd hate myself for wasting the better part of the day sleeping through it. And the cycle repeats. And again, and again, and again.

There were tons of warning signs that I needed help, even from as early as Junior High school. But really, despite people knowing what it means to be depressed, very few are educated enough on the topic to spot it. Believe me, I went through great lengths to deny I was having issues and covered it up as best as I could.

The second common misperception is that you can get on medication, and blam, it's all better. One offshoot of this misperception is the thought that "Well yeah, you feel better but your real problems are still there that you have to deal with". That is a half-truth.

Unfortunately, more than half of all people on medication for depression still show symptoms, and I am one of them. I can say that the meds even my mood out, and I have less dramatic mood swings and my lows aren't quite so low. I have undergone a dozen changes in my medication already, as my doctors continue to try to fiddle with things to improve my condition. As I have said before, everyone's brain is different, and really doctors aren't 100% sure of how this disease works in the first place, or how medications treat it. They just know that some of the meds do help people.

The third common misperception is that it's easy to tell if someone is "crazy" or not, and that only loonies wind up in the bin, so to speak. Again, I tried my darndest to go on and live a normal life without being aware of my disease or seeking help for it. I dare say I am intelligent, well-spoken, and I mingle easily with groups of people. Unless you lived with me, chances are that you didn't notice anything at all, because I wanted it that way. The way I felt ashamed and embarassed me, and I didn't want to blame anyone or anything else but me for feeling that way. I can't tell you how far I've come to be able to openly share things, now.

That being said, if there's someone in your life that is showing signs of depression... or maybe they have been diagnosed with a mental ilness, who knows... please take some time to just be their friend. I'm talking your real world friends, here. Friends that you can go see, and eat a meal with, and laugh and watch a movie or give them a hug. A VERY common reaction that I shared with other people who are depressed, is that I felt like crap, and I didn't want to bring everyone else down. So I avoided my friends, not wanting to spoil any good times they might have without me. Well... of course any good friend wants to know when you're down to help you out! That's just common sense, and even I felt that way towards others... but there's nothing rational about the way we feel. So if you have a friend that just kinda dropped off the face of the earth... reach out to them and see what's up. They might really need you. If they ignore you, keep calling every once in a while. Let them know that you just want to touch bases, see how theyre doing, that their lack of keeping contact with you concerns you. If it's been a really long time, drop by their house, seriously. I wish someone had done that for me.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, and I hope it helps someone out. Just know that, if you are depressed, whether it be from a traumatic event, or you are diagnosed with a condition or whatever, that you are not alone. You can get help, and you are worth it. Reach out to the closest person to you. Your health and happiness is worth it!