I hate life and life hates me. -

When I decided to write this blog, I didn't know whether to write it in big chunks, giving heaps and heaps of details or just a short summary of things.
Well I guess I'll do a bit of both.

A note before I start, if you wanna flame me, get the fuck out cuz I've seriously had it. Don't kick me around when I'm already feeling sad and suicidal. There will be lots of swearing involved. My parents speak cantonese so I just translated it all to english so it's easier.

Okay from the beginning.

On August the third, 1995 at around 3am, a hideous child named Carmen was born.
Fast foreward in time. I've always been verbally abused by my parents. Whatever I do, just isn't good enough. I'd always get certificates and medals from school but all my parents would say was "It's a piece of useless paper." Whenever I didn't get an award, my parents would yell at me and ask why I didn't get one.
-20 self esteem

At age about 9, I would go to my room and cry. I made a little chart. For each day, I'd tick whether I got a praise from my parents and a cross if I got yelled at. Let's just say that I never got any ticks. Whenever something bad happens, I'd get the blame. In grade 3, I was at school and I tripped over a table leg and cracked my head. As my mum drove me to the doctors, she kept on saying "How did you crack your head?" and "You fucken clumsy bitch, watcha where you step next time".
-30 self esteem

I'd often overhear what my parents say. They'd usually say "We give her so much love but it's not even working". They won't let me do what I enjoy. I quit flute because I didn't even like it. Then mum kept yelling at me for quiting something and that it's a waste of money. Well next time listen to what I wanna do then you faggot, then you don't have to waste your money.

Soccer is a passion of mine. I'm not pro at it but at least I'm decent. The 'rents would say I spend too much time on the computer and once it blows up/explodes/something bad happpens to it, they won't get me a new one or even replace it. "You need more hobbies rather than spending your time on the computer talking to internet pedophiles", "They're not pedophiles mum, they're my friends." I wanted to join a soccer club but they wouldn't let me seeing soccer isn't a "girl sport". As most of you know, I went to Mexico and America last year as part of a school exchange. It costed around $4000. I couldn't believe that I had been accepted to go and that my parents would let me, though, I think they just wanted to get rid of me for a month. Now each time I do something wrong, they'd use the excuse "We shouldn't have let you gone to Mexico, waste of our money."

Bullies. I've been bullied all my life. The bitching behind backs, the "omfg yuo ugly cuz yuuuo asain" and the emotional bullying. I used to get teased about being asian, being short, having a lisp and w/e else you wanna name. The bitching gets to me. Why can't they say it to my face and man up? The dumb fuckkers don't have the guts to just admit it and be honest with me. I'm not dumb. I can sense things. I know when you give me sideward glances and start talking behind my back. I know when something is up, when something is wrong. Just say ot. I won't give a damn if you hate me. Just don't go behind my back saying "omg carmen is so annoying and she always flirts with guys".

Ugh. That's all I'm bothered to write. To the people that can't give a fuck reading all this, don't bother posting a comment saying "tl;dr" because that's your own fucken fault for being lazy. What? You expect me to give you a summary just because you posted a few words of "tl;dr"? Grow up.

I have anger and depression problems, I'm also bipolar. Please don't take any of this personally. I hate it when I go on basil and say "I wish I was aborted", then having 50 million people ask why and start flaming me.

Yea I know people have it worse than me. Do I give a fuck though? That's their life and this is my life story so please don't mix them up together.

I won't suicide. No. I see my profil3 banner. "You gotta be strong for the ones who care for you". I put it there for a reason. Each time I see it, it gives me strength to live another day and not to give up. Even if I do, maybe after I've moved out from my parents, then I'll see how things are.

Thanks for reading all of this if you did. I appreciate it.

~ Carmen