A Tale of Two Vickys.. -

...is a tale about none other then yours truly…Me….(Not the book, I have never read the book)…Well I guess that’s the best way to call it, since I’m in one word, Gemini. Yea, like the astrological sign. In astrology, though I know very little about the signs, its basically a pair of twins…Now I believe in horoscopes to a certain extent, cause sometimes they can be a little o.0….But I believe that a person’s personality is characterized and even sometimes made by their star sign. Its defiantly the case for me…As I said err wrote above, the Gemini are two people….And lately, well a long time ago, I have come to a conclusion that I have two people, two personalities inside of me…yea its sounds pretty weird, but to me it makes all the sense in the world to me.

When I’m at camp, the best place on earth, for me really, I feel like the type of person who could do anything and I would randomly come up to people and start talking to them and make them laugh and joke around and be open and just act as I want to. Then when I’m at home and in school, I’m the exact, polar opposite; I tend to keep things to myself. I’m freaking terrified, well not really terrified, but I just don’t feel I have the courage, I guess is the word, to go up to someone and just randomly start talking to do what ever I want to. In a word, I’m one of the shyest people ever -_- Heck its even this way with my friends. Like we are talking and having a conversation, I’m never the person to bring up a topic to talk about, its usually always the other person. While I’m camp, I would be the one who comes up and talks and I’m just free. Heck, now this is going to sound freaking weird, when I was at camp, I didn't feel like myself, like I’m not in control of my actions, its like I’m just watching myself do these things. I don’t know it might just be my subconscious, but its very weird. So this year, I have made a resolution to try to become like the ‘other’ Vicky, I guess, try to be more open and let life take the drivers seat; to seize the moment. So far its not really going that way lol. I think that my sophomore and beginning of my junior years, I was that other person for a while. (Its very weird, I’m reading this over….its like freaking Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, if someone is actually reading this, don’t get freaked out, please) and it felt good, I mean id love to be that type of person, but its just hard for me. So I guess that when college starts, I’m going to have to overcome my fear and just talk and get to know people.

So this is basically goanna be a little, or big I guess rant about some of the things that have been in my head for the past couple of years. I don’t feel comfortable talking to my parents about it, cause its just weird…and my friends…

I love my friends, they are awesome people who are just as crazy as me….Though they don’t always get the things that I talk about, but that’s ok…But, I’m sad to say, that in my wonderful 17 years of life, I have never had one of these things that everyone keeps revering to as a “Biffle”….Now I don’t know what it is, I think that its probably just me and its my fault that I don’t open up to people like that, but I don’t really know what the heck is up. I guess I’ve always been more of a person who likes to hang out with themselves, I guess that’s just the way its been…but sometimes its just….lonely…And I wish that things were different, but I mean It’s the way that it is, cant rly change it at the moment. So I’m going to wait till college to change that. At the end of the day, I feel friendless for some reason, I don’t rly know why, but I just do. Maybe its cause I think that I just didn't ‘bond’ with them long enough or something like that. But I mean its just High School, and I’m learning from these relationships that I’m having and I will work on myself…That brings me to my favorite subject….Relationships.

I can honestly say, not being sarcastic, that some random fifth grader, at this exact time, would have had more boyfriends then I have in my 17 years. Two. Well I would call it more like 1.5…That’s the amount that I have had. Most of my friends haven’t had that much either, but still….The first one I refer to as being the 0.5 one cause it lasted for like what….1 minuet? The second one, it was my fault, in a way, that it started, I was young and kind of stupid, well rly stupid, and at that time wanting something. It lasted about 4 months, even though I never saw him, if I am correct. At the end, I lied to him about something serious and in the process really hurt him. It took me a while to get over it. . But I’m ok about it at this point. Heck when I saw him last, he pretended not to notice me and, ironically, played Thnks Fr Th Mmrs from Fall Out Boy. I found that funny cause we really only had one night, because I met him at a resort and I was leaving the day after he told me he liked me. .But it hasn’t been all in vain, I definitely learned something from all of my relationships…well not the 0.5 one, cause I mean what can I learn in a freaking minuet?....Or maybe it was 2 minuets…Now this isn’t to say that I haven’t liked anyone before. And definitely not saying that guys haven’t like me, I mean I def know of three cases that they said they did, the 0.5 guy, the another random person (That’s kind of a sad number) Heck, using another metaphor, if I had a penny, I think u get where I am heading, for every guy that I liked and it never worked out, I would have around 10 (I think more then that, cause I loose count, but for simplicity sake I’ll say ten). Well 11, but that 11 th penny one I would rather not have, cause I rly rly liked the guy, and I def knew that he liked me, I mean telling my friend, while I was in the room, sitting behind him, that he wanted to take me to our prom…I mean o.0…So anywayz the guy was too much of an idiot to do anything, and it turned out he was a jerk -_-…That took a while to get over. I don’t know what it is. I just end up liking a guy cause they are cool and nice, and sometimes I feel like they feel the same way, but its never the case. And it feels crappy…then I’m good for a while and then I like another guy, which just ends up this way again. This year, I liked this guy and I kept getting the feeling that he rly did like me. I mean in the middle of class, he used to turn around and just look at me, for like idk 30 seconds, till I looked up at him and he turned around….But my luck isn’t that good, andit never has been that good. T.T. I don’t know, maybe its good that I didn't have anyone so that I could focus on my studies, but I mean how much can I study, like I need some people skills. .People always say that life can be related to a music album or record. I feel that way, sometimes. Well for my relationships, or lack of them. Particularly one song, from Boys Like Girls, its called “On Top of the World.” I guess what draws me to the song, is the last part of the song, it goes like this:

Let's spend tonight on top of the world
(On top of the world)
As real as it seems,
You're only in my dreams

I mean that’s basically the case, the guys that I like are only in my dreams, and I know I wont be able to get that…That kind of adds to the interestingly lonely feeling that I get. But I guess that when I do find a guy that I like, and the feeling is mutual, it will make it be so much better.

I guess I can bring about another song reference. It’s from Good Charlotte this time, Its called “Something Else”. The chorus goes, “We all want something else, We all want something we can't have…”I mean I guess it’s a universal truth that we want what we don’t have, its greed or whatever u can to call it. And its not like I feel I can’t have it, but I just think that its going to be really hard for me to get the things that I want, which are pretty stupid, now that I’m thinking about it. I mean there are people starving and dieing and all I want is…
But it def fits in with my last two looong paragraphs. Like I would kill for a ‘Biffle’ I just think that it would totally awesome, but hopefully everything will fit into place next year

Now Life….First things first, I have to say this before I write anything else, I love my life and I wouldn’t have it any other way, but sometimes I wish that it was different. That I did have a “Biffle” and I did have all of these other things, but ehh, I guess its like the thing that the song, we all want something else…Sometimes it rly does get up to me, all of these things that I just wrote and I feel depressed and junk, but for some reason, which brings me back to my hypothesis, I can hide it extremely well. Like I can be totally depressed and be in this horrible mood, but for some reason, my mom or my friends won’t notice, cause I’m always this happy jolly person…I guess its why I wanted to write this, its been annoying me for a while and I wanted to write something like this in a long time. I guess I’m putting it on this blog because I feel like if I put it out there it will be easier then me just writing and deleting it. I don’t know, its freaking weird….I’m weird lol……The only thing that I hope is that in 6 years when I am done with college and I read this over, if I stumble upon it, that I wont feel like this and I would say, pfft, vicky u have no idea how good u got it now….But at the end of the day, all I can do is hope….That rly is what drives me….wow that rly sounds freaking horrible and just extremely emo, but ive felt like that sometimes, when it was rly bad but my ‘other’ Vicky kept telling me to just have hope….though it didn't rly work out lol. I guess all I can do is just turn on some funky music, find something to draw or heck even play MS. It’s a great thing for me video games, to just play them and forget about the world around you, forget about all the worries in the world, That’s an awesome feeling.

*Sigh* that’s about all I can put down now, and it feels good. I wanted to write something like this when it would be my birthday and I would sort of end my 17 years with this and start a new life, cause that’s what I think I am going to get, but I decided that I should just write this now to get it off my chest, so that none of this can bother me now……Ive just read it over and it sounds like am this Emo person who wears black and junk, but I am not, its just sometimes I feel sad and depressed, and all people feel like that….Wow this is beyond a shadow of a doubt HUMONGOUS...sry to make u read it all, if u did.

The picture is of a sunrise or sunset i forget, from my camp, Camp Hilltop