How to ruin a concert -

Well, dear Basillers, a few weeks ago I had a New Years concert with the LSKO CM ( a Dutch student choir) and while I was there, saying the exuberant piece of the "Te Deum" by Antonin Dvorak I suddenly recalled the previous New Years Concert, which was also my first. And that concert went wrong and was a succes at the same time.

By the way, thsi might look like a huge bit of text, but it's not boring. I brought my sometimes VERY cynical sense of humour in.

I'll write down here in a bit of a diary fashion what happened; my memories are a bit vague for a reason that will be explained soon.

- It's about 16.50 and I'm on my way to the church in which we'll be performing. I've just had chicken, but it was a little crumby. The taste was good, but chicken is not supposed to be crumby, right?

- I arrive in church and try to find some Alti. (For those who don't know: an Alto is the low female voice) Hm. There are only Soprani. (High female voice)

- We're to enter stage for the dress rehearsal. Gilles (the conductor) is jumping on his pedestal like there's a frog in his pants, and he hasn't even started conducting yet.

- We're just starting the warm up when Violinboy arrives with his violin in his hand. He looks at me right when we're trying to "make our faces as big as possible"; meaning we're having this expression on out face:

and he can probably see what I ate today. Do I see a smirk on his face?

- We're starting the actual piece; the Psalmus Hungaricus by Kodaly. It's a long piece and the Alti keep doing the same thing wrong. Gilles literally growls at us at a certain point.

- We're doing an a capella part (meaning without the Orchestra) Violinboy has turned around and is looking at the choir. He makes me nervous when I do that and he probably knows.

- The orchestra is going to rehearse now, it's probably about 18.15. There are sandwiches ready for the choir, but I'm somehow not hungry. Strange, generally I'm really hungry at this time of day.

- Most members of the choir are either watching the orchestra playing, are reading, talking or lying sprawled over the floor. Hm. That New Years Gala the day before was well planned. I haven't gone to the gala, myself; I don't like galas.

- About 19.45 PM, I think, the choir has to enter the stage, since the mayor and the city council will be arriving soon. We're entering stage, the orchestra is already there, sitting on chairs. There are no chairs for the choir and we are not allowed to sit down.

- The orchestra leaves to get dressed. They're supposed to wear smokings and something called a "rokkostuum" in Dutch, that has two flaps on the back. (and makes guys look like penguins)The choir is standing on the stage and is unhappy.

- The pengui- uh, orchestra returns and the mayor comes in. The ribbon around Violinboy's neck (I forgot the correct name) is somehow vertical rather than horizontal. He looks like he'll going to fly away any moment. My ankles are weak; they're beginning to hurt.

- One of the Soprani goes to stand on Gilles' pedestal and tells the city council to turn off their mobile phone. I'm relieved; maybe we can get going now.

- Gilles literally runs up the stage and jumps on the pedestal with an impressive leap. (It's a small step for mankind, but a giant leap for the Gilles) Aw, the guy is so nervous. He greets the audience, bows for the orchestra, nods at the choir and commences.

- A Tenor (high male voice) soundlessly, and straight as a plank, tips over and falls between the Oboes. Gilles glances up, is confused for a second, but continues conducting the orchestra. All the Tenori have jumped off the stage and are lifting the fallen Tenor back up. He's unconscious. Exept the Oboes the orchestra is oblivious of what's going on.

- Gilles stops the orchestra and asks what is going on. The mayor has jumped of his seat in the mean time, and is standing in a Karate stand called Kiba Dachi next to the Chief of Police. The Tenor comes around and is led of stage. The orchestra turns in its seats ('GOROMMMBOH') and Quentin, the normal conductor the the orchestra sighs and covers his face with his hands.

- Gilles announced he'll start over with the piece; the orchestra begins playing again and the choir sings. I'm beginning to feel a little hot and sweaty. I guess it is becasue there's a HUGE gass heater about 5 meters above my head.

- As the solist sings the choir conspires about the fallen Tenor; he's probably had a fit of epilepsia. I'm also beginning to feel a bit nauseous. Violinboy's head constantly moves to and fro when he playes, and his ponytail has probably cleaned all the dust from his chair.

- Gilles makes a wild move with his arm, whacks a microphone over and a Bass (Low male voice) sighs and collapses. The other Bassi and Baritoni (middle male voices) can just catch him and carefully support him off the stage. Quentin has become a bit pale, but aside of him and the choir nobody has noticed.

- We're at 3/4 of the play. I'm beginning to see spots in my field of vision. I look at Violinboy, but even the sight of his head doesn't improve my condition.

- Gilles has become a huge, grey blotch and I decide to swoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooon. Luckily I do not faint completely, but fall on my backside. I have just enough consciousness left to motion to the other Alti to keep singing.

- The Alti don't have to sing for a while. 8 of them kneel down to check on me. My face is so yellow that some of them eep. Nobody exept them knows what's going on and that's good.

- The piece is over, I get up. The audience applaudes, and I smile to myself. I'm fine again, but still the Alti grab my arms and help me off stage.

- I'm trying to figure out why I nearly passed out. I had sung for the Mayor before (and for the Mayor of Oxford too), so I wasn't nervous. Maybe the chicken had gone off. Most choir members are asleep on the floor. Beer in their brains, I guess.

- The orchestra is done. Violinboy walks to the performer's department, smiles, greets me by bumping his left shoulder into my right shoulder (and has to lean over quite a bit) and wants to know what was going on. I tell him about the three people that had fainted (including me) and he immediately grabs my arm, slaps an arm around my waist and walks me to a piano that's 10 meters away from us.

- As we arrive at the piano he suddenly cries 'AAAAAAAAHHHH!" and whacks his face into the piano. Luckily there's a soft blanket around it. He tells me he had been skiing and has hurt his back. Poor thing. He tells me three times "Hey, when you go home drink some milk and go to sleep!" and after that, by accident: "Are you going to the afterparty tonight?" (Hell, NO)

- As he talks he suddenly takes off his tuxedo and shirt. I try to both look at his chest and NOT at his chest, and agghawahhhghgah.

- I go home a bit dull. It was a weird night. First 3 people fainted, but the concert was a succes and Violinboy took his shirt off. I go home, drink milk, take a shower, go to bed and sleep like a log.